Nasty Needle Biopsy Anniversary

April 19, 2001 at 10:45am I went for a needle biopsy (which followed an ultra sound that couldn’t diagnose anything, but did rule out a cyst). I hate needles. As if that isn’t clear after having read any number of my other posts. But this needle had the added fear that comes from fearing one has cancer. Ooooooowwwwwwwwwww, scary. So needless to say I was uptight, and uncommunicative and generally in a sorry state.

I went with my friend Tanya Gee. And had no idea what to expect, but, to be honest was hoping it would be “not a big deal” (I mean apart from the needle part, which does, in retrospect make that statement a bit ridiculous, but hope lives in a vacuum I have found). So, there I am, strung out, not able to speak my mind even if I knew what was on it, and kind of cowering in the corner. In swaggers the doctor. Tells me it won’t hurt a bit (gee, where have I heard that before?) and proceeds to deliver one of the most physically vicious blows of my entire cancer journey (which I only came to know after the fact). It really was so outrageous. The force with which he drove the needle into my breast, repeatedly, REPEATEDLY, was extreme and intimidating. I was in shock. Body, mind and spirit.

This isn’t new information, I have made reference to this before in a post. And today’s post is not intended to scare people preparing for their own biopsy, but rather to really help us all to remember to have compassion when people we know go in for medical tests. They aren’t easy (the tests, as opposed to the people we know). They are usually scary (because hopefully we only ever have a “first time” and then never have to have it done again). Any yet most people usually put on a brave face and say “it’s fine”. Here is my request: do something nice for that person. Whether it is sending them a great card. Bringing them by some groceries. Going with them to the test. Or just calling to check in afterwards. Treat them special. Because they are. And they probably need to be reminded.

Creating My Vision Story - In Parts

Ok, yes, I admit it, partly I am writing this particular post, and writing it today, because, I have some coaching homework (and my check in session is tomorrow morning) to blog about what I am learning about how do I, and others, activate their lives. Let me back track.

The work I am presently doing with my coach is getting clarity on my life and work vision: on how I want to live my life, what would be most rewarding and fulfilling and a timeline for how and when to make that happen. Sounds great, right? And yet there is so much work involved, and so many phases. There is looking at passions, and purpose and strengths and values. And creating the vision story. And so much more.

So, way back when, I started looking at strengths. I got the Buckingham and Clifton book “Now, Discover Your Strengths” and while it is not that engagingly written (at least not for my taste that likes some sassy and some fierce thrown in, just for spice) the material itself is thought provoking. That is, when you take the time to read it. But one of the things you get out of reading the book and doing the online Strengths Finder is their take on what your top 5 natural talents are. My top one, ACTIVATOR – the kind of person to wants to move projects along, make things happen, and doesn’t need to spend lots (or any) time thinking, but rather knows that action yields both results and new information. You know, the kind of person who doesn’t bother reading a book from cover to cover. So I am only now getting to reading the book. And I am learning SO very much. And through that I was getting all excited and fired up. And naturally I brought that to my coach. Which resulted in us having a whole session on this theme of activation. And how and who I activate. And what it gives me to activate. Whoo hoo. Just thinking about it again, well, it activates me. Gets me buzzing like a bee. So agitated and excited that my whole body wiggles back and forth uncontrollably. And I want to dash off in 7 different direction and MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. Wow, I guess the goal then becomes how do I harness this energy and use it for good, to contribute, and make sure my fierce opinions get fired out into the world, where they can have some sort of impact.

Oh bum, I have to leave now and go to a Time Management seminar. Check out that irony. And notice me trying to manage my weaknesses instead of leverage my strengths. Never mind. One day of learning at a time. And I guess the actual posting that was to be about activating my and other peoples lives, well, that will have to come at some later date.

The Uninteresting Protocol

Yes, as I expected. My doctor confirmed that I have a thing-y in my breast (she was not prepared to call it a “lump” and all the anxiety that goes with that). But there is a something there. It didn’t seem in any way unusual (as in different from regular breast tissue) to her, but, in her words “better safe than sorry” and so the process begins.

I have an ultrasound booked on May 2^nd at 3:20 pm. That is the same day as my annual mammogram. So I think I will just rub the pair of them down with Emla, take a proactive Advil and grit my teeth until the afternoon is over. I think I will even wait until the next day to buy myself a present (a previous reward system commitment I have made).

If there is still anything untoward happening at that stage, I will go directly to see my surgeon, do not pass go, do not see the medical oncologist.

Yaknow, jump all the hoops, in the right order.

But here is the good news. Said lumpy thing did feel different (from both the inside and the outside) then the first time I lit upon it, when it just seemed hard and mean. During my squash game the other day it seems flushed and a bit engorged (hard to tell if that was the rest of the tissue around it or what). And today it was a bit tender. And when the hell does one ever experience cancer as tender, I ask you?! So maybe, just maybe, a fibrocyst, growing in spite of the rest of the breast still shrinking from it’s run in with the radiation machine over 5 years ago now. I am up for that, and any prayers in that direction would be greatly appreciated.

More Lumps in the Road?

So a few days ago, post period, and therefore breasts less tender (that was just an FYI, for those of you reading that don’t have a pair of your own and don’t know the patterns), I did one of my irresponsibly perfunctory breast self-exams.

…

Wait, I feel it coming on, here is my sermon: every woman should do a self-breast exam. Every single one of you, every month, whether you are done menstruating or not. If not, do the SBE the day after your period ends. If you are done, then pick one day of the month, something easy to remember like the day your birthday falls on, so in my case the 29^th, and do it then. Ok, back to our original programming.

…

And what should I discover? Well, obviously something out of the ordinary, or I wouldn’t be writing about it here. Sigh. Yeah, so this weird little bump thing, probably about the size of an orange pip. Not really in my breast, sort of more on one of my ribs that accidentally got irradiated along with my breast 5 and a half years ago. Just over about an inch from the end of my breast (although really hard to say where a breast begins and ends on the sides, yes?). It is not hard and attached, more moveable with the tip of my finger, kind of sliding over my rib just a tiny bit. Not painful, but now that I have been paying attention to it sort of itchy and burning, off and on.

Funny thing was I didn’t have an ounce of fear. Not an adrenaline spike in sight. Nothing. I was just sort of annoyed, but nothing more dramatic (did I just say that? No drama. What has become of me? Clearly too much Al anon.) Now that said I haven’t done much going back in and checking it out again (you know, like you might with a wiggly tooth that you just can’t keep your tongue off of - I have no such perverse, obsessive impulse here), but today, after a shower and another eyes closed, breath held scan of the area I am feeling a bit edgy. What could it be? Is it just the lumpy scar tissue of the skin from the original surgery? Is it another fibrocystic scare like the one about a year after my diagnosis? Or is it a recurrence of breast cancer? Or the original cancer metastasized to the bone?

Oh, God the tricks the mind plays on us in the dark, cold hours when we have nothing else to occupy our neuro pathways. If only these thoughts were something that I didn’t care to worry like the wiggly tooth. But I have done all that I need to and can do, made an appointment with my GP for Tuesday, April 10th at 10:15 am (which I assume will be followed by an ultra sound and then maybe a trip to my med onc or surgeon – stay tuned), and called my friends and family to get them to start sending me good thoughts and prayers. So, having done the footwork, now we just wait. And try not to worry too much.