Friday, February 15, 2008

Ambushed at 5AM

Oh the mornings that I wake up early, to thoughts of, well no, not thoughts, but feelings, feelings of dread, and forboding, and anxiety. It is so hard, and so unfair, that they sneak up on me, when all my defenses are down. I can't even identify what the feelings are, you know, because I am asleep. And by the time I wake up they have settled into my bones like a chill and I can't seem to shake them with a simple cup of tea.

And out of the forboding, if left untended like garden weeds, grows panic. And not panic about a specific thing, like getting an assignement in on time, just panic that life is off track, that I need to do something to fix it, but I don't even know what "it" is, because really nothing much is wrong. It is just a feeling. And feelings aren't facts. But try to remember that in the hush of the early morning, when there is no one around to remind you.

This feeling is reminicent of (although quite a bit watered down) the panic attacks I had for months and months post cancer. And instead of getting any help then, I just believed the thoughts and feelings and assumed that something was wrong with me.

Now there are other tools to use. I get up, as fast as possible. I get busy, with things that fulfill me (like writing, for instance). I call friends in the Eastern time zone (that trick I keep with me from cancer days!). I read inspirational material. I create some structure for my day. I remind myself that feelings aren't facts, and that everything is ok.

And yet, on the days when there isn't even a whiff of cancer nearby I sometimes wonder why I get these feelings again? But even entertaining such thoughts lures me back to the dark side. So I am better to just step away and get on with my day.

I hope yours is a good one!!!


At 10:45 AM PST, Blogger Alda said...

Great that you should go online and blog about it!!

Hope it's helped you shake that dread from your bones and that your day is wonderful.


At 6:26 PM PST, Blogger Signy said...

Yes, just the action of taking action helps me tremendously. And writing, or rather expressing myself, makes all the difference for me. God bless having lived long enough to know what works for me, and to have the fortitude and courage to do it.

My day was sweet, and mostly gentle. Yours?

At 3:57 PM PST, Blogger Alda said...

Um ... what day was that, again?

Probably fine. My days tend to be fine these days, if a little too busy.

At 8:38 PM PST, Blogger Signy said...

Yay. It does my heart good to know your days are fine.

At 9:53 AM PDT, Blogger Darran Frisby said...

Great post Miss Signy,

Although not a cancer survivor, your words resonate within me.

I guess I sometimes just have those panicy feelings about life in general.

I am comforted in a strange way at the moment to know that all the people I see around me at work, at the gas station, or gorcery store etc, who appear so well put together, may wake up with the same feelings of panic.

I think I would be more afraid if I dídn't wake up with them though, as It might mean my 'voice'is turned off....

Hope all is well in your world!!!


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