To Fight or Not to Fight

Over the years (and the experiences, and the relationships) I have, consciously or unconsciously, intentionally or unintentionally, given up parts of myself. You know, acted and behaved differently than I really am. I think it is human nature. I think it comes from that universal, deep seated view that there is something fundamentally wrong with us, and if we get found out for who we really are then we won't be loved anymore (I refuse to pin it on Eve, so let's just say it is an ancient curse). And so we fold ourselves into human pretzels to make sure we keep getting the love. The trouble is what we get loved FOR varies depending on the person doling out the love, and so it gets complicated. And we lose more and more of ourselves as we go through life trying to please everyone, and not get kicked out of Eden.

And by extension some of all of our life's work is to return to ourselves, or to be more exact, our Selves. To remember and to honour who we really are, what is really important to us, and to quit fighting our True Nature. I keep thinking that that work should get easier, or maybe that the layers, once removed, like shirts and shoes, should stay off. But, more like skin, that sheds a layer and keeps growing back, or a garden, where the weeds keep coming back, it needs regular maintenance. Regular tending. Regular work. Damn I hate that. Isn't there just a pill to take. A vaccine (not, as we all well know, like I would take one of those, even if there was one). An easy, simple once in a lifetime remedy. I want a garden where you just plant a tree, once, and then it takes care of itself. Forever.

Anyway, back to the main point. As it turns out, my True Nature is quite feisty (in case you missed the crib notes). Fiery, impatient, short (not in stature, but in temper), mouthy, sassy, challenging, defiant, even obstreperous, occasionally bitchy, a bit hard, demanding and definitely a fighter. To name a few. Of my not so popular characteristics. Or at least the ones I try to hide from the world. You know, fold on the inside of my pretzel so people don't need to see them at first blush, or ever, depending on my success rates. But here is the thing (and this sure isn't news to the people close to me) all that stuff, those things that are the darker side of me, well, they leak out eventually. When I try to hide them, push them away, put them underground... eventually... they leak out. And get all messy. Which is way worse than just letting them out in the first place, in their natural clean, crisp state.

Really what it comes down to... is letting myself be. Be me. Just like that. Only it is harder than all that, but probably worth the effort. So it is not about not fighting (which we have already established is my nature). I could no sooner give up fighting than give up breathing. So instead it must be about choosing where to direct that fighting spirit that is inherent in my being Signy. Where do I put that fire. And I will tell you, it is not about directing that fighting into fighting my True Nature (that place that I have been directing it for years turned decades now). I think I need to put it into fighting FOR my True Nature. Fighting for me. Standing up for me. Speaking up. Speaking my truth and letting the chips fall where they may, and the heads roll. And just see what that feels like. I am betting it feels pretty damn good. Whose in?