Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Heart, Broken

I continue to explore this concept of disappointment. Through no fault of my own I might add. And the funny thing is that even though my present experience is not romantic in nature, the words in my title so get at the depth and complexity of the feeling.

My heart feels broken.
Sort of split in two.

And there are other body sensations that go along with it. It is like my skin is being rubbed with sandpaper, and the fibers of my muscles, taunt and strained, are being played staccato, one at a time. As if I have been thrown to the boards (an experience I have never had in reality, but my mind seems well able to picture it) the breath has been knock out of me. And I struggle to find where it has landed.

I feel like a bee hurling itself against the plexi-glass wall of a restaurant patio, again and again, getting angrier and angrier, buzzing annoyly to itself (and anyone who will listen), not understanding why it is unable to pass, refused entry into the big, wide world of freedom.

And where is God in all this. And why have I forsaken Her? What is the easy path that would show me that I am on God's highway to better things? Because I know that when I am given the power to carry out my Higher Power's will for me, then the process is smooth (even if hard, but never a struggle - if you see the difference I am getting at). What cues am I missing that I doggedly pursue one course of action that is showing itself to be counter to what I must assume is in my best interests. ARGH! Why can't there just be a map quest search that will show me the way, quickest route, amount of time it will take, shortcuts, historic sites along the way, not to mention convenient rest stops and great take out joints. No, not for me, I must blunder along in the old fashioned style, feeling my way along in the dark, stubbing my toes, and breaking my nails.

The only consolation... this too shall pass.


At 8:57 PM PDT, Blogger Simon said...

Not sure why I am posting this Signy, other than I happened to read it directly before visitng your blog...

"Why is it," Jonathan puzzled, "that the hardest thing in the world is to convince a bird the he is free, and that he can prove it for himself if he'd just spend a little time practicing? Why should that be so hard?"
Fletcher stil blinked from the change of scene. "What did you just do? How did we get here?"
"You did say you wanted to be out of the mob, didn't you?"
"Yes! But how did you..."
"Like everything else, Fletcher. Practice."

Bach, 1970, 120

With love.

At 7:53 AM PDT, Blogger Signy said...

So funny Simon, as I was reading it I thought to myself how Bach it sounded, and there it was. And yes, there is getting out, and I have done a lot of that in my life. Getting out of uncomfortable situations. My challenge, that I am flexing into of late, is staying. Staying put, and staying still, just for a moment, and in that moment feeling what is there. Really feeling it, kind of like swishing good wine around the mouth before swallowing (or indeed, splitting). And me, being me, I had to record it.

And now, today, a few short days later, I am on to new things, and in a new space. Thanks you for reminding me how easy it is to move to the new space!


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