Countdown

I don’t know why I keep assuming, wanting, hoping that this time the mammogram/ultrasound/needle/breast exam won’t freak me out. Because it does, every time. So better to assume that, and then get the support I need.

Today is the double winner day. Mammogram at 1pm. Ultrasound at 3:20pm (why do they get that specific with the time, especially knowing that they will be running behind, and so it is meaningless?). Ugh. And, silly me, I didn’t ask anyone to come with me, to hold my hand, and dry my tears, to calm my fears (irrational as they are, there they are). And now I sit at my desk, fully intending to work hard and instead waves of adrenalin soak my muscle tissue, saturating them with fear, past and present. Flirting with a panic attack, my brain goes vacant and foggy, and everything, absolutely everything, seems too big, too hard, too much for my little self to handle. Funny, because I am really not that little. I border on over-competent most of the time. But not today. Just scared. And wee.

This place I am in reminds me of the workshop I attended this weekend, the third in a series of five Organizational Systems and Relationship Coaching workshops through CTI. We did a lot of work about our Secret Selves, and specifically our Triggered Selves. Our triggered selves come out to play when we are faced with situations that remind us of some pain, or fear, or trauma that at some deep level we don’t trust our adult selves to handle well. We know it is present when we are paralyzed or have excessive or inappropriate emotions to stimuli and/or situations. Sound anything like my last paragraph? Fortunately in this workshop we learned tools for how to work with our triggered selves. To support and champion and take care of them, so that they will let our adult selves back into the driver’s seat.

So what do I need to do right now? I need my triggered self, who is fighting with the ghost of the memory of being diagnosed (as well as the memory of being mistreated by medical bullies), to know that I am on it. That everything will be ok, even if I do get a new diagnosis. Probably even more important to set this wee, triggered person at ease, is the commitment, my commitment to myself, that I will not be bullied by the attending medical staff. I will stand up for myself in the face of any inappropriate behaviours. And I will not back down if any bullshit comes my way. I will demand to be treated well, and I will walk out if that does not happen. Don’t mess with me when I am protecting wee people, because there is nothing that will be left standing, if it is standing in my way.