Feeling Forgotten

So my relationship ended last week. And while I do miss my guy, I am struck by the fact that what I miss more is someone to do things with. You know, someone. Having the ready made plan. The built in companionship. The person you can count on to be up for just about anything, not having to call way in advance, or set up a plan, but just someone to ad lib with. I miss THAT. And am suffering from the boredom that comes from the absence of that. And as a collaborative person, I so much prefer coming up with plans together with someone, rather than coming up with something and then rolling it out to people to see if they want to join in. Sigh.

Then there is the “back to the drawing board” feeling that comes from needing to start the process of looking again. And yes, I refined what it is that I need in a lifetime mate. Through learning what worked and didn’t work, and how I respond to certain, shall we say, stimuli. I learned that I really need to be with a charismatic man, someone who is very self-assured, and has the range and space to meet and hold me. Because when I am not around that I shrink down, so as not to make him feel bad or less or something. And since I only have one dial, that covers all of my functions: charisma, boldness, zest, directness, fire, passion, speaking up, speaking out, etc, then, when I want to dial down one function, well, I accidentally dial them all down and turn into a watered down version of myself. Sort of passive and uninteresting. And not certainly not the person that my partner first met and fell in love with. Another sigh.

I am doing a lot of sighing these days. And while I was feeling AMAZING just a few days ago, cleansed of the past relationship, and feeling the flow in my life, with magical, great, new things happening like the chance to be writing semi regularly for an article in the Globe and Mail. Well, today it is different, it is a rainy, grey, Vancouver day, and I am bored, and have no clear plans set out for the day. And the place I get to here smacks of self pity. But really the root or the core of it is feeling as if the Goddess has forgotten me. Like I have emailed her, called her, sent her a memo all saying something along the lines of “Gee, if you could connect me up with my ideal guy, the man worthy to be my lifetime partner, that would be great. And if you could move on that soonish, that would be even better.” And that she has now, somehow, misplaced my memo, or is too busy to respond to the email and that in a year or two, or perhaps a decade or two (her time arc seems to be so different from us regular people), she will come across my note and say “Shit, I totally forgot that I was suppose to do that for Signy. Damn it, and now it is way over due.” But that is assuming she has the same shortcomings as I do, and on good days I know that isn’t true. I guess, unfortunately, on bad days I think it might be, and this feeling, of being forgotten, comes in like one of those grey Vancouver clouds I already mentioned, and rains down on me, leaving my hope, optimism and positive attitude a little soggy and water logged. Triple sigh.

And, with all that said, here I am, doing my blogging in a café, and there are plenty of interesting, apparently single people here. And the engineer with the steel blue eyes across from me keeps meeting my gaze when I look up, and so I guess the Goddess really does have it handled, and it is just a matter of time. Time and trust.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the thing I can not change, the courage to change the thinks I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.