Monday, October 29, 2007

Heroic?

So the other day I was sitting at Caper's with my newest CTI co-leader Bill. We were talking about various things, some related to the workshop we were leading, some just life. And suddenly, quite out of the blue, he said "What you went through, and how you behaved around it, and chose to see it, well, I think that was heroic." Instead of flipping to my usual, "Oh thank you, that is so kind" I actually stopped in my tracks, dead in my tracks, which doesn't happen to me all that often. His comment really made me pause and think.

You see to me, it wasn't heroic, it was just what I had to do. I think of a heroic act as being something that takes courage, and you choose, intensionally, and commit to, and take a stand on an issue. Me? I was just scared, fighting for my life, doing what ever I could, making decisions from how I felt in each moment. Didn't feel like courage. Didn't feel intensional or conscious. It wasn't something I committed to, it was something I was running from. Running scared. It wasn't a heroic act, it was a necessary act.

But after he said it I stopped and got to see it from that different perspective (how perfect, since we were leading Balance). He spoke of how people he had loved died of cancer, of how the fight can be long and hard and grueling, and can break your spirit long before it breaks your body. It is a bit insidious and even cunning. And I came to see that while I did just do what was before me, and I did just do what was necessary, I also did make decisions from the mind and the instinct of a hero. As best outlined in Joseph Campbell's view and work. The reticent hero, who goes because there is no other choice. Who doesn't know s/he is courageous, but starts with a tentative, tremulous opinion and sticks to it, and grows stronger in it the more opposition s/he is faced with. I chose to fight instead of give in (please note the difference between giving in and surrender). I chose to remain as awake as I could at every turn. I chose to live as fully as I could through out the process. And I chose to engage my community and friends, creating allies in the fight(a classic and important part of the Hero's Journey).

Bill's off hand comment helped me see, again, that heros aren't born that way, they are made. They choose, and take a stand, and do their best, and hope it turns out well. The are scared and do it anyway. And maybe some days they don't, but when it really counts, they find the courage, some where, and they just do what has to be done.

I write all this not to pat myself on the back (although I think we all know I am not adverse to doing just that), but rather to acknowledge those people who are fighting the fight right now. To our aunts, or our mothers or fathers, to our friends or our children. Cancer feels like a choice-less situation. But no matter how hard it is, how hard the diagnosis, how hard the treatment, how hard the day, there is always one choice you can make. And that is how you will live this one day, this one precious day.

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