Living Out Loud

Tomorrow is my birthday, but I cheated, and I opened (with express permission) the present of my dearest of friends Rhiannon. She has shared many birthdays with me, she shares my childhood, she shares my heart. Over the years she has played nursemaid (after my surgery, taking me to my first round of chemo, attending half of my radiation - she took the entire freaking year of my ill health off so that she could love and support me), hairdresser (she cut the locks when I shaved my head after the first round of chemo), confident, champion, cheerleader, shoulder and so much more. She is one of my rocks, if that can be said of someone so lighthearted and free spirited. She knows all of my struggles (and hears them in minute and painstaking detail, bless her heart) and all my joys. She helps me to remember who I am, and she keeps me whole.

This present was the most perfect she has ever given me, which is saying a lot. It is a silver and gold necklace. One the one side is a carved flower design, on the other a saying, one she explicitly said "The inscription spoke to me of you and all you stand for". And the quote?

If you asked me what I came into this world to do, I will tell you:
I came to live out loud.

Oh my goddess, on a day, and a month and a year when I am wrestling with wondering if I am on my right path, when I question if I am doing enough, or am well focused enough, or missing my calling, or about to lose out on my heart's desire there is this, this message. On the day when I recommitted to turning my will and my life over to the care of my Higher Power, there is this clarity, this simplicity, this gentle nudge. Yes, I am fine, I am on purpose, I am alright and everything is ok. Because the bottom line is I am here to live out loud. That is what I do, that is what I am meant to do. That is what Goddess made me to do, and made me for. And when I do this one small thing (small to me, because in fact I can't help but do it) then I am enough, and have done enough, no matter what the outcome, no matter what transpires in life. Because I am living Goddess' purpose for me. And all that is meant to come of it will. And all the lives that are meant to be impacted by it are, and all my work is done, naturally and easily.

Another added feature of this necklace, it is solid and sits heavily on my upper chest, constantly in my awareness. And the smaller piece strikes the large piece, regularly, all the better to remind me of... Rhiannon's love and all that I need do (or, essentially, not do).

Blessings on you sister, for always fighting to keep my soul in my body!!

DENIED, Again

I'm feeling hammer, slammed, pummeled, pounded and not in a good way. It seems that 2007 is configured in such a way as to make my life a living hell. ARGH. If it's not one thing, it's another.

So, the story... I have a lead in LA this weekend. Fulfillment. Yay, how fun is that. And knowing that I have had trouble crossing the border before (a year and a half before) I go to the airport 3 hours early. Plenty of time to deal with the immigration officers and such, right? And I have got all my paperwork in order this time (that seems to have been the problem last time), and CTI has double checked everything with an immigration lawyer, and I have chatted briefly with said lawyer. I am going to apply for my TN visa, you know, the visa that came out of the NAFTA free trade agreement. FREE TRADE. Remember that. Sometime before 9-11. The whole purpose of the TN visa is to make it easier for those Canadians that qualify to cross the border in an expeditious way. Good thinking right? Make it EASIER. But what they failed to think through is the people making the final decisions on who is or is not qualified, now that is is not being done at Embassies and such, are not lawyers or policy makers, but the border guards. The border guards that for whatever reason seem to have a hate on for me. So, you got it, DENIED, again. Only this time, besides just taking my mug shot and my finger prints, oh yes, that is what they do when you are denied (or rather have your application withdrawn), they take a sworn affidavit where they type my answers verbatim into the computer, where they captured every piece of information imaginable, including my mother's very Icelandic last name, and all the details of what I said, so there is no possible way that I can re-look at my situation and present again in a different light. I feel like they are trying to capture me in a box, and make it impossible for me. When, in actual fact, I am not a criminal, I am not trying to screw anyone over, and I just want to do my job.

Now maybe it is just that I desperately need a vacation, and I don't have the brains to create that myself and so the universe is helping out. Or maybe it is just so that CTI is forced to have me lead in Canada, and by extension, Vancouver most of the time (never a bad thing, I LOVE the home leads) - but I am not loving how sullied by record is getting and being worried when I try to cross the border now even just for social reasons (knowing full well that they will pull me aside just as a matter of course at this stage). I am frustrated, and pissed off and disappointed. Clearly I need to get this handled in some more decisive and all encompassing way. It's off to see the Wizard, I mean the Lawyer, for me. That and nursing my annoyance and grudge against the Americans for a few days.

Completely Forgot

It has happened again. And I hold it as a Very Good Sign. This time I completely forgot the anniversary of my first round of chemo. Crazy. Even now I would need to look up if it was on July 5th or 6th. Considering how well I remember dates and anniversaries and such, and that is just with my mind. Then throw in the way my body reminds me if it slipped past the mental radar. Well clearly, this is a thing of the past this pesky little chemo experience, something that not a single part of me feels the need to remember or be on the look out for, all watchful and guarded like in days and years gone by. The shock is over. One more level of "getting on with life" is here. Perhaps even the word "survivor" need not apply.

Oh Happy Day.