Thursday, March 02, 2006

A Different Kind of Waiting

So, here I am. Waiting. Again. But this one is different. Last time, pre-surgery (boy oh boy, was that just a few days ago) I wanted it to come and go, get it over with, be done, tick it off my list. This time (and I know others don’t feel this same way), instead of wanting to get it over with, I am experiencing it like a kind of resting, in between, waiting place. The sort of thing that William Bridges speaks to in his book Transitions, the adjustment, the getting ok with not knowing yet. Part of what is interesting in this place is that there is both easy and hard in it.

On the easy side, right now, today, I can pretend the results are whatever I want them to be. I can live in denial and let life be totally ok, even fun. Hanging out with my family, doing my thing, having a week off work, and recovering. Like it is a normal day in the life.

On the harder side of things – there are the long, lonely moments that even a room full of my dearest friends couldn’t silence. There is an eerie quiet to it. Where the waiting echoes and sort of melts into the past and the future. When I am sitting here, in this place, it feels like there is a hollowness in people’s words. Emptiness in their eyes. It catches my breath. My heart beats harder. The muscles in my head and neck tighten. There is an ache in my fingertips, a yearning, to touch something, someone, to make it slow down, to make time stand still. To dodge the bullet of receiving The News.

It is a special kind of waiting. The black and white –ness of the news, of the results are so unlike what is found in the natural world. There is a pronouncement. I am healthy or I am not healthy. Bullshit. I am Signy. And there is so much more to whether I am healthy or not than a little 4 mm piece of flesh. There is whether my heart is healthy (flexible and full of love and dreams), and my thoughts (generous, open, curious), and whether I am in right relationship with my maker. There is the question of whether my community is healthy, and my family, and how I contribute to that. All of these bigger places to evaluate my health. But so hard to keep the focus there, when this other nightmare of waiting pulls me out of my bed, to restlessly pace the halls of my home and my mind at all hours.

Sure, I want this to be over. But what if I don’t like the news? What if it is not what I want to hear? Then I will look back on this week as vacation. A nice little respite. Why didn’t I enjoy it more, those last few days and hours of peacefully, mercifully, not knowing what lay ahead. So, for now, I will enjoy myself. And reflect on the greater health that I have, and consider places I need more balance, and more health.

So, if you are willing, please keep this vigil with me too, and look into your own life… what parts of it are healthy, what parts are not, and what are the next steps to making all of it work better?


At 10:31 AM PST, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Signy,

I like how you came to your conclusion, of how to just live with the ambiguity, and be in the moment as much as possible, as well as your generosity of your idea and extension of care to the rest of us.

At the same time, I did hear your prodigious brain click into high gear. As Meredith has reminded me (with love) on more than one occasion, "stop that! I mean it!"


At 1:13 PM PST, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Signy, my first response is that waiting is a bitch! Holding each moment and trying to make peace with whatever the outcome might be, and doing that again and again. But, I guess it is those moments of struggling to hold ourselves as whole which really make us whole.

You speak right to my heart. Waiting feels way too much like 'not being in control'.

The candle still burns here as a constant reminder of your courage and strength, and of what an insightful and downright funny woman you are. I am still here too, waiting right along with you.
Nancy in snowy Calgary

At 1:43 PM PST, Blogger Alda said...

I'm so glad you're blogging. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It's amazing that you have arrived at this perspective - lovely.

At 2:29 PM PST, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah yes, "the space in between" - it is here that we find beauty and it is here where truth lies. You continue to be an inspiration. Hold strong dear one....keep running....we are all running along side you.


At 11:30 PM PST, Blogger Signy said...

Again, all of you, thank you for your love and support. I can not tell you how much easier it makes the road to travel, regardless of whether it is well walked, or not.


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