EMDR

No, this is not a personality preference result for people most likely to be afraid of needles. It is not a coaching term. It is not even a short form astrological transit thingy (and I bet you sooo wanted it to be that). This is the acronym (apparently, although I can’t make heads or tails of how it the letters come from the words) for a kind of therapy called Rapid Eye Movement that is especially good for dealing with traumatic experiences. It has often been used with people who suffer from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder, you see, this one makes sense). It involves going back to the traumatic experience (in my case, any one of the many needle “incidences”), and looking at the details of the experience (blood forced to pool in my hand, trapped there, the skin being broken and the needle penetrating the vein), the negative beliefs you have of yourself around the experience (I have no control, I am powerless over this process), as well as the positive beliefs you would like to have (I am strong, I ask for what I need and want, I take care of myself). Then you do some processing work, and the mind and body together organically unravel the ball of yarn to discover the core issues and diffuse the suffering and stuck places. Very powerful and a little bit magic. Now wonder I like it so much. That and the body as ally thing.

I did a session today. I learned some cool things about how I don’t speak my truth in these crucial situations; I dissociate, and just sort of abandon myself by keeping silent. AAAHHHHHH. Me, silent. It seems such a contradiction, an antithesis, an oxymoron (definitely some kind of moron). It is such a betrayal of myself and that hurts me almost more than anything else. And I hid the betrayal behind “being reasonable”, trying not to interfere, bias, or influence someone. Well sometimes I should be influencing people, and how they work and what they think and what decision they come to. For the love of god, isn’t that the whole point? To have some sort of impact. It is not about “leaving no trace” when it comes to human life. It is about splashing around it the pool of experience WITH people and trusting that our relationship will either come out intact or not, and that either way is fine and that a bit of healthy conflict can refine a relationship (I know there a few of you out there nodding your heads, remembering the experience of having had the pottery of your life fired in the heat of my kiln). And yet, I recently discovered that one of the “things I can’t be with” (see yesterday’s post for more on that) is conflict. Yikes. That is a bit of a set up. Maybe I will address that with my EMDR-ist after I am done with this pesky surgery thing.

Here is a question for you:
What is the conversation that you are avoiding having?