Where is the Goddess in all this?

Where indeed!

One noticeable piece of this journey (as compared to the last one, I don’t like to collapse them, since this one has nothing to do with cancer), is that I am not feeling too connected with the G-force. Holy shit, now that is not sitting so well with me. I expected myself to be all down on my knees or repentant or beseeching or something. Not that I was last time, and yes I am exaggerating for my love of drama (I mean really, what would I repent for anyway, not jogging enough, eating too much cheese, come on!), but still, what the hell is going on? Where am I in this, where is Goddess in this, to quote the Black Eyed Peas, “Where is the love?” And from a theoretical standpoint, I know that She is there, watching over, everything is exactly as it is meant to be, etc. So, really the question is, where the hell am I?

Seems I am in a nasty little middle zone, a kind of no man’s land. Where things are comfortable but not exceptional. It is like I am not fighting with Goddess, expressing my anger (yes, my anger is suspiciously absent), fist raised to the sky. There is no passion, no “show yourself to me”, no “I have had enough” (me expressing any of these things is a very good sign). Instead it is just me going about my business. Which could be fine, but I am also not surrendered. I am not willing and trusting and giving myself over to the process. I have not turned my will and my life (and my body) over. I am still holding on. I am in the middle. Like driving with the brakes on. I want to be in control. Of the process, of the outcome, of everything. And it’s not working. Sure, I am doing all the “right things” (eating well, exercising, thinking good thoughts) but my heart is not in it. I am half here. And for me, this is a dangerous place to be. If I am not fully bought in, it is hard for me to get my body’s cooperation. And on this one, I really need my body’s cooperation.

So how the heck do I surrender?

Firstly, I need to know why I am holding out? And it is true; I have a resentment towards the G-force. Yes, I am holding my breath because I am mad at the Goddess. Darn fed up. I am not getting the life that I want. And like a child, I have been holding my breath waiting for an apology from Her for about 10 months now. We are at a stand off, and I am not really sure of the way out. I suspect it involves humility. And acceptance. And gratitude. And willingness. All things I am a bit short on right now. Do you think there is like a bank of these somewhere, where you could withdraw 10 gratitude chits, and 50 willingness credits? Or can I borrow someone else’s until I get enough of my own to go on?

And secondly, what I have learned is that I am even powerless over when I surrender. I can’t time it, or coordinate it, or think my way to it. I can’t get it just by asking, or pleading or demanding. It comes in it’s own time. Apparently when it is ready or when I am ready or some damn thing that I can’t see. And right now, I just hate that. Which only adds to my mad! Oh look, some anger is bubbling to the surface. Maybe tomorrow I will head down to Jericho Beach to smash a few plates on the rocks and see where that takes me.

Excellent, because the third thing I know about this subject is that often that act of truly feeling my feelings, letting them have full rein and full expression, that is the gateway to surrender.