Sunday, February 05, 2006

Feeling sorry for myself

Today, I am feeling sorry for myself. Not in the traditional self pity, "woe is me" sort of way, although I am sure I could muster it, given slightly more provocation (Christ, how much more provocation do I need, my more effusive half says). But rather, I am feeling sorry for my body (yes I do realize that I have started splitting off parts of myself, mind, body, etc, and no, I do not think it is a condition). Here is this noblest of creatures, the human body. This never-ending, always-willing, deeply committed best friend just keeps giving and giving. It gets poked and prodded on a good day, and now it would appear, sliced and diced on a bad day. That's a lot to ask. An awful lot to ask. I mean I would think twice before happily giving up my kidney to a family member. I would probably do it, but I would think twice. Even three times. And know that I would forever remind them how much I gave.

So what do I owe this gracious body of mine, that tolerates my almost constant taking-it-for-granted, assuming-it-will-be-there-when-I-need-it, dismissive-of-it's-needs abuse. Sure I could bother eating right, or going to yoga now and then, or giving in to sleep when I am exhausted, or for heaven's sake have a bit of fun now and again. You know, body fun, like dancing, or laughing or having all my senses fully engaged. But do I? Nooooooo. I only do it when I have to. When it might cost me something if I don't. This should not be too much to ask. It is so little the body yearns for in return for it's slavish devotion.

And what has happened to us as a world that our bodies are an after thought. We see them only as a vehicle to take us places, instead of the fine instrument that they can be, that they long to be. And, to be honest, I treat my car better than my body. Now is that just because my car has a little light that comes on saying "maintenance required" when I am abusing it? If my body had the same would it get more attention? Or, is this situation my little light, coming on, saying "Damn it Signy, you have been ignoring me for months now, and I have had enough." My body can't divorce me if I don't shape up, and I can't trade my body in like a used car. We need to learn to work together. And the start of that process is me coming to respect my body. Love, honour, cherish and respect. I owe it to my own body, and if I can't give it to my own body, can I really give it to anyone else?


At 9:19 PM PST, Anonymous Marcy said...

Hey firey tiger woman,
You are you know - even when you aren't feeling connected to it. This is my first visit to your team Signy blog - Your writing wakes me up - makes me think - makes me remember joy and wonder why we don't all choose it more often. I love the body maintenance light idea. wish I had one - Can you imagine a world where everyone's forehead lit up different colors if they were running out of emotional juice or needed a hug or a nap or some fun. And what if we lived in a culture where we immediately helped each other take care of that need.

blessings to that magnificent body of yours that allows you to dance and leap out of trees and snuggle up with friends, and play with your kitty and stand powerfully at the front of a room and lead.

Blessings, love and courage to you!

At 8:26 AM PST, Anonymous Ariane Cherbuliez said...

I just got back to email after being away from it for weeks, and this post is the one that lit me up to comment. Here's another reason your Body will get through this journey: because the rest of the Bodies out there need to hear these words. They need to be able tell THEIR owners(?) what their equivalent is of the maintenance light is, so that they don't get overlooked, overworked, and eventually cave in and snap like that guitar string. And since Bodies by themselves can't get the message, they need You and your Body to get it out there. So hurry up, get this pesky cancer thing dealt with, and get your book written! Not that I remember you saying you were planning to write a book, just that I KNOW it's what's needed. So I'm running on the assumption, here on out, that it will happen.

At 12:59 PM PST, Blogger Signy said...

Yikes, being called out by you powerful coaches has me remember. This is who I am, this is part of why I am here. Especially since I met you two during my last go around.

I love your comments, I love that you comment, it has me feeling heard, which inspires me to keep writing. For all of us.


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