Choosing JOY (and blueberries)

The day I went to see the surgeon, I also had an appointment with my Physiotherapist. She is really more of an energy healer than at PT, but that is why I like her so much! So naturally, she has a few things to weight in on about health issues.

Not a surprise to either of us, she reported that I don't have anything that feels anything like cancer. Ok, good. So, what else? She said she saw it like a "Do over". You know, what ever the things that I had managed to forget, that apparently were really important for me to remember, I get to go back and start again, wipe the slate clean and really get it, at an even deeper level this time. Cool! We never did "Do overs" when I was a kid.

So what was this really important thing that I forgot, I wondered. Causing poor Bev (PT) to stand there with her mouth hanging open. "You need to stop, you need to stop, you need to stop doing the things you are doing!!! You know the things that are sucking the life out of you! WAKE UP! Where have you been?" (yes, she really does talk to me like that, God I love people that aren't intimidated by me).

"Oh yeah, that. OH YEAH, THAT! Oh my god, how do I stop, how do I learn to stop, how do I know when to stop", I said, hitting my panic botton at the same time. "I know what you mean, there is a line, a line I cross, but I don't know what the line is, I don't know how to recognize it. HOW WILL I RECOGNIZE IT!!!!" (now you can see why is it so important for me to feel my feelings regularly, otherwise they get channeled into unhealthy expressions).

She didn't need to slap me across the face, all she did was, in a quiet little voice, a bit like a 5 year old's, say "joy". What do you mean? (now more loudly and forcefully) "Joy." "Joy, that's the line you can't cross.". Now it was my turn, mouth open, eyes incredulous. Joy, yes, yes it is joy. I totally got it. It all made sense. When I choose people pleasing over joy, when I choose good ideas, or strategic plans, or doing it right or expectations of others or ought to's over joy, over fun, over my heart, over what makes me happy and sing and dance (which, by the way, brings me joy - that is some help I need, take me dancing!!!). When I do that, it doesn't work! What doesn't work? My life doesn't work, my whole life, I shrivel up, I forget who Signy is, I stop seeing myself as precious and important. No, no, no. From now on... NO MORE.

I CHOOSE JOY!!!

Now, how do I actually live that? Well, we shall see, and I shall keep you updated. But so far so good.