Turn Over

Today I went to see my doctor for my mammogram results (not that she had them yet, but never mind, I am sure they are fine, right?). And for the turn over. It is one more marker that I am about to be released back into the regular world. Every 6 months for the last 5 years I have been to see my medical oncologist. He is the one that gave my chemotherapy protocols and he is the one that follows me. He checks up on me, he does my breast exams, he asks me the invasive questions. All him. Today, I went back to my own doctor, my GP, the one who told me in the first place that I had cancer. From here on in I will see her once a year, and then six months later I will see the med onc again. Not sure how long this continues, but for now, this is the new routine.

Funny, I thought I would feel relieved, released, set free. Rather I feel some trepidation, and vulnerability. Like when I was released from active treatment, so many years ago, there is a sense of having the safety of a routine removed. Now there is an unknown. And it is up to me to create my own “what’s next”, my own health regime, my own structure for living. While an exciting proposition, like the last time I was here, it is a bit daunting, mostly because I wasn’t expecting it. And wasn’t expecting it to feel this way. So here I am, on the verge of a new life, and a new way of life (possibly). Wish me luck!