Saturday, March 25, 2006

What's the Point?

Damn it, I am in this place today. And I hate it here. Hate it. And here I am anyway. In the past I have tried to do something about being here, tried to fix it, to change it. It didn’t work (no, really?). And so I have stopped trying to transform and influence this thundercloud when it arrives on the horizon, and instead, wait for it to pass, and if I am really lucky, sit back and enjoy the show. Thunder, lightening, crashing rain. Reminds me of Ontario. Reminds me of my childhood home. And that just sends me back to pointless.

Yes, that is where I am right now. Pointless. Feeling like there is no point. For instance: Why clean my place? Now, I know there are some perfectly valid reasons to clean my place, to begin with the dust bunnies are starting to sleep on Maggie’s bed, and I can’t get past my dirty dishes to made dinner, which is really ok, because, frankly, why make dinner? But this deep, dark, black hole of a feeling (I guess that being despair, because pointless in not actually a feeling, yes?) it is so freakin’ uncomfortable. So lingering and haunting. So chase you around the house. So dog you on what is meant to be your relaxing walks through the neighbourhood. I want to turn around and yell, “Go away. Stop following me. Take off you creep.” But when I whip around, eyes flashing fire, voice ready to hit huge decibels and see the little old lady, boldly, braving conquering the block with her walker, well, I realize that I am perilously close to losing my mind, and I shut my mouth.

So what has me here? Oh the usual. How does one fight cancer? It is not like a foe you can see and take on, and beat up or charge with murder and take it to trail in a court of law. It is impervious to insults or psychological warfare (well, word on some streets is that that is not true, we can make choices that help our minds and hearts and that helps our bodies to fight). It is even sort of resistant to the crazy drugs we are trying to use against it. What is the solution? Where is the answer? My powerful analytical mind wants an answer and expects me or others to be able to come up with one. And when there are no cut and dried answers I get furious, and despairing, and tired. How can I fight something I can’t see? How can I defend against something that is sneaking in with the water (or whatever it sneaks in with, well and even that fact that I don’t know how it is sneaking in, that is to it’s advantage)? And many tell me, and I have told others, one answer is faith. So where is my faith now? Today, and just today, it is lost behind this horrible feeling of powerlessness, like the sun behind the storm cloud. The only way out it through. To courageously ride the wave of this feeling, and trust I will come out the other side, what do we say, stronger. And just this day, and just each day, do what I can, soften the blow for others, share my love, be my best self, and give what and when I can. Today it doesn’t feel like enough. But it is going to have to be. Because it is all I have right now.

And do I ever have a critic in my head about all this. You can’t write that. For that matter you can’t feel that. You are supposed to be inspiring people. A beacon. A flashlight. A lighthouse. What the hell are you doing? Hmmm. Well, I am speaking the truth. You know, the only thing I can do? The only defense I have against the all-consuming inevitability of life with all its trials and tribulations. And that has to count for something. And do something. And help someone, somewhere. So if you are that person, someone, somewhere, my love and blessings to you, you are keeping me going right now! Thank you.


At 8:38 AM PST, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A wise soul once gently reminded me once while I was in the center of the storm, that authenticiy is showing up with everything, not just the fun, happy, positive parts....

Sound familiar?


At 7:13 PM PST, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sig, many times~even now, and in the past I also dwell the cannot possibly see the point of it. It has come to this...absurdly circling back time and time again. I plod along, not exactly joyous, but also not beaten (not much anyway), knowing only how to take the smallest steps. I try to remember those times when I knew not the point, and I really couldn’t have cared if there was one. I was just really enjoying being. I have had to consciously mark those occasions, for I to quickly forget them when the going gets fucking awful. It does get fucking awful sometimes. Yes. But screw it, I will live with purpose in spite of it. When I am done comparing my life(read beating self with stick) to those who I feel are inspired, I save a little bit of graciousness for myself and remind me just what I have survived and how I very likely will survive it again. In fact it always has turned out to be something I can deal with. Faith.~ You are loved. How ever you come to the party. Wish I could be there with you and we could eat some toast and fruit, drink tea and be comfortable.
I raise my cup to you and send more golden light to ward of the bete noir.XXXXOOOO Sunno

At 10:10 AM PST, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Signy - I hear you answering your own questions in there... you're just too busy beating yourself up for being human, to hear them. Stop. Sit still. Listen.
By the way, every damn time you sit down to write, you are fighting cancer - by letting us all in on the honesty of the fight. Yes, even the heroes, even the bold, courageous heroes get tired sometimes. Even they need a boost now and then. Makes one think we can all (therefor) be heroes when we need to... and re-fuel when we need to re-fuel. Much love, cowtown Dawn

At 12:49 PM PST, Blogger Signy said...

Wow, your compassion for my humanness fills my heart with love and my eyes with tears. Yes, this is a safe place to sit for a while as I process the huge journey I am on right now (the details of which I am not in a position to share with the world) and marshall my forces for the coming, I hate to use this metaphor but in this circumstance it is most appropriate, battle.

Some days I just don't have anything left. And then beautiful, gentle people like yourself call me forth and help me to keep going.

And yes, authenticity is always my best refuge and biggest battery; and I am loved, however I come to the party; and just being me and alive is fighting cancer and showing one way to do it.

Courage and ever onwards. Thank god you have my back!!!!

At 12:50 PM PST, Blogger Signy said...

Oh, this too, as I was coming in from lunch I say a handmade bicycle "bumper sticker" that say...

"If it isn't fun, it isn't sustainable."

Love that!!!

Where is the FUN!!! Time to recharge.

At 9:21 AM PST, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Brilliant people don't fool themselves, or try to fool others, that everything is always blissful. And you are a brilliant woman. If things were always rosy, they wouldn't seem so because there would be no contrast to appreciate those times against.

Take care of yourself first :-) The world will be ready for your fiery self when you're ready.

Megan Bailey

At 8:15 AM PST, Blogger Mother of Invention said... are indeed winning the Fight by reaching down deep and summoning your inner strengths. Keep on writing and Red Green says, "I'm pullin' for you! We're all in this together!"

I suppose you saw Wendy Mesley's recent show, "Cancer Answer". She's asking the questions that we all have in her natural way born of her investigative reporting. There are many to answer.

I fight my own battle daily having had a recent heart attack and stent, due to 38 years of diabetes that is very brittle. I live in fear and paranoia of what else may happen.

A Cherokee spiritual healer I know says to Think Gratitude, for Gratitude lies on the other side of Hope. Write down all your blessings every day and focus on them happily. Our lives could always be worse. Visualize cleansing with Native American Rock Medicine..the pebbles enter the head and go through your body gathering all the toxins and expressing love to the healthy tissues and finally leave through the feet and bounce back up into the Universe, carrying all the "Gunk", to be purified and brought back down to help someone else.

I wish you "Gentle Blessings" as my friend, Moon, would say!

Ruth Lowe

At 10:24 AM PST, Blogger Signy said...

Megan, your reminder is so simple and clear. The best ones always are. Thank you.

Ruth, Nice to meet you! Good reminder too, about our friend gratitude. BTW, how did you find me?

At 2:00 PM PST, Blogger Mother of Invention said...

I visit Alda's site a lot and thought I'd explore some other blogs since I have time taking things easy on my heart!

At 5:04 PM PDT, Blogger Signy said...

Lovely, a friend of the family, as it were. Welcome to my virtual home. Would you like some tea?


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