What's the Point?

Damn it, I am in this place today. And I hate it here. Hate it. And here I am anyway. In the past I have tried to do something about being here, tried to fix it, to change it. It didn’t work (no, really?). And so I have stopped trying to transform and influence this thundercloud when it arrives on the horizon, and instead, wait for it to pass, and if I am really lucky, sit back and enjoy the show. Thunder, lightening, crashing rain. Reminds me of Ontario. Reminds me of my childhood home. And that just sends me back to pointless.

Yes, that is where I am right now. Pointless. Feeling like there is no point. For instance: Why clean my place? Now, I know there are some perfectly valid reasons to clean my place, to begin with the dust bunnies are starting to sleep on Maggie’s bed, and I can’t get past my dirty dishes to made dinner, which is really ok, because, frankly, why make dinner? But this deep, dark, black hole of a feeling (I guess that being despair, because pointless in not actually a feeling, yes?) it is so freakin’ uncomfortable. So lingering and haunting. So chase you around the house. So dog you on what is meant to be your relaxing walks through the neighbourhood. I want to turn around and yell, “Go away. Stop following me. Take off you creep.” But when I whip around, eyes flashing fire, voice ready to hit huge decibels and see the little old lady, boldly, braving conquering the block with her walker, well, I realize that I am perilously close to losing my mind, and I shut my mouth.

So what has me here? Oh the usual. How does one fight cancer? It is not like a foe you can see and take on, and beat up or charge with murder and take it to trail in a court of law. It is impervious to insults or psychological warfare (well, word on some streets is that that is not true, we can make choices that help our minds and hearts and that helps our bodies to fight). It is even sort of resistant to the crazy drugs we are trying to use against it. What is the solution? Where is the answer? My powerful analytical mind wants an answer and expects me or others to be able to come up with one. And when there are no cut and dried answers I get furious, and despairing, and tired. How can I fight something I can’t see? How can I defend against something that is sneaking in with the water (or whatever it sneaks in with, well and even that fact that I don’t know how it is sneaking in, that is to it’s advantage)? And many tell me, and I have told others, one answer is faith. So where is my faith now? Today, and just today, it is lost behind this horrible feeling of powerlessness, like the sun behind the storm cloud. The only way out it through. To courageously ride the wave of this feeling, and trust I will come out the other side, what do we say, stronger. And just this day, and just each day, do what I can, soften the blow for others, share my love, be my best self, and give what and when I can. Today it doesn’t feel like enough. But it is going to have to be. Because it is all I have right now.

And do I ever have a critic in my head about all this. You can’t write that. For that matter you can’t feel that. You are supposed to be inspiring people. A beacon. A flashlight. A lighthouse. What the hell are you doing? Hmmm. Well, I am speaking the truth. You know, the only thing I can do? The only defense I have against the all-consuming inevitability of life with all its trials and tribulations. And that has to count for something. And do something. And help someone, somewhere. So if you are that person, someone, somewhere, my love and blessings to you, you are keeping me going right now! Thank you.