The Void

Three weeks out, and what am I feeling, how it is going, etc?

Wildly similarly to when I went through cancer treatment there seems to be a thing that happens. A void. A vacuum. A space. That forms afterwards. After having had doctors on me like flies in a Winnipeg summer, suddenly, now, there is nothing (even to the point that my GP wasn’t planning to call me if nothing was wrong, only if something was). The feeling is kind of like a child learning to ride a bike, after the support of the training wheels have been removed there is a wobbliness, an awkwardness, a “finding the new rhythm” dance. And here I am again. After all the fuss, both medical and maternal (not the mention by dear and loving friends, but I couldn’t easily find an M word for it), it just seems so empty. Not that I want fuss, rather I want connection. The kind of deep connection and regular checking in that comes when people are concerned. And it gets me to thinking; there is not so much of that in this world these days, across the board.

Here is my longing around this… that, we as a society, not only connect and gather and be a community when something is wrong or when there is an urgent need. But that we choose and are able to come together to be witnesses to each other’s lives consistently and regularly. I think it is some of what ails our present society. And not wanting to mean it as a criticism of how my life and community is now, rather having it as a vision of the future (and memory of the past). Who can argue with wanting more of coming together with people of like mind and sharing our lives? Surely new mothers have felt the need, and I see they have created circles and events to be together, to share struggles and successes. As have other groups. And some have not. What happens to them? How do they get the support they need? We have lost the extended family (not that they are necessarily the people of like mind for everyone) and the close-knit community of easy to access friends and what has replaced it? Computers? TV? Cell phones? That just doesn’t cut it. I am talking face-to-face, hold your hand or cry on your shoulder stuff here. How do we make sure there is enough of that!!!

And then this is the other thing that is very present on my radar screen right now, just a few days out from my Good News. I have this strong expectation of myself (then again, when do I not have a strong expectation of myself, for something or other) to already be fully back in the world. Fully engaged. Fully on track. Where is the room and time for celebration, for gratitude, for some quiet reflection and contemplation of life? No, no time for that, have to get moving, have to make things happen, have to change the world. I am afraid that if I don’t move now, strike while the iron is hot, then the fire will be lost and I won’t make anything of this experience and this Good Fortune. I will fall into complacency, lie on the sofa and eat bon-bons, and, god forbid, fall off the sugar wagon (for those wondering what a sugar wagon is… I have given up sugar, since it is so hard on the immune system. You see, we all have cancerous cells, and then we have bouncer cells, that kick out the cells gone over to the Dark Side before they can congregate and do any damage. Having cancerous cells was not my problem, having a sluggish immune system was. So now, I do what I can to support it, and giving up sugar is one of those things). How about some leniency? How about some grace? How about some breathing room? And how many times do I do this to myself? Drive myself so hard? Often, I do it often (perhaps another piece of what ails society, this drive to action). It is just that today it is really noticeable. And today, I am calling myself on it, in this public forum. And today, I know I have a community of people who will notice and take affront to my actions if I sit on the sofa and eat bon-bons for too long. Isn’t that right?