The Power of Powerlessness

Well, while I haven’t yet had the blinding flash of light, or the revelation of the complete surrender (which I hate, because that is what has been happening for about a year now, I come close to surrendering, really close, and then get a sort of deus ex machina, not a real, heart moving solution, but just enough awareness to stop the pain, and the letting go, dang, just put me out of my misery once and for all!), I have had some insights.

I am not in acceptance of my situation, of my life as it stands right now, of reality. There are things I want that I don’t have. And I have been hoping and wishing and trying and praying to get acceptance around not having those things (naturally that step came after the step where I was hoping and wishing and trying and prayer to get the things I want, so really this is progress). And nothing changes. Nothing changes. And so I assume that my praying wasn’t done right, or good enough, or something, and so I try harder. And harder. And still nothing changes. Still I don’t have what I want.

Of course at some level I am assuming that accepting my situation, accepting that I don’t have what I want will change my not having what I want, that through the acceptance I will get to have what I want. It is sort of like having my fingers crossed behind my back when talking to God. It is a form of bargaining, “If I accept that I don’t have this thing, and get ok with it, then you will give it to me, right?” Which sometimes does happen. But not recently, not on this round of “wants”. The real win, the real power behind this spiritual principle, is that when I do accept my situation, really accept my situation, then I change, and I look at the world differently and I am less inclined to be longing for something outside myself.

So picture me, face all screwed up tight in the effort, trying to think my way to acceptance. Acceptance of these things I don’t have and I want. And then it hits me. I don’t need to accept that I don’t have these things; I need to accept that I don’t have control over when or whether I get the things. That is the real issue here. I want to be able to decide when and what and where and how I get the thing(s) I want. I want to be able to make the change happen. I want control over the outcome. Power over the outcome. And what I need to accept is my powerlessness (12 stepper that I am, this is not the bad word it might be in other circles, not powerless as in victim, but powerless in that I believe that there is a power greater than myself that guides me and life, and I can trust in that).

Accepting my powerlessness. Ouch. And yay! Seeing that I am not all powerful, seeing that I am not in control of every last detail, that gives me the room to breathe, to stop being so hard on myself, to trust that it is all exactly they way it is meant to be. Oh holy relief. A mini breakthrough (not that this is entirely new, but each time I must be getting it deeper, right?). Enough for a reprieve at any rate. And maybe if I keep exploring it and really living into it, I will let that lesson of the head percolate all the way down into my heart and then the relief and release will be long lasting and profound. But I don’t much have control over that either.

So what do I have control over, really control? Whether I live my life, fully, today. Whether I express myself completely, today. Whether I line myself up with God’s will for me, just for today. And let tomorrow take care of itself.