Dark Night of the Soul

What can I tell you, I am still here, in the Dark Night of the Soul (feels more like dark year of the soul, but never mind). That place where I feel the aching lack of God. I feel abandoned by Her and am lost. It sucks here. And I want to not be here, and I think I should be happy, since I am healthy. And I want to fix it, and I want to find a way out of it. And I feel like it is a punishment for something I have done, done wrong, not done well enough. And I want it to be different than it is. And I want a magic answer. And I want to look good and not be writing about this AGAIN. And I want, and I want, and I want. But that is not what is. And so here I am writing from this place. Humbled in my powerlessness to change it (yes I can put on a brave face, or I can deny it is happening, but that is not the same as changing it). I feel like I need to have a reason, an excuse to be more exact, to feel this way. Like poor health, or the end of a significant relationship, or working is going poorly, or going bankrupt. Something dramatic, something big, something WORTHY. Or even something reasonable, like I am only now letting myself have my feelings that I certainly couldn’t afford to let myself have when I was going through surgery.

Boy, do I have a hard time just validating my feelings, just as they are, that simple. And then if other people come along and invalidate my feelings, dismiss them or discount them or mock them. Whew, I am a goner, I side with them over me, to my face no less! Ouch. Abandoning myself for abandoning myself. Double ouch. Very tricky territory for me.

I am also very clear I don’t have time for this (ah, the little tricks my mind used to make me stop, to disorient and shame me). I need to do taxes, need to clean my place for a Discovery Session on Friday with a new client, need to finish the e-course for the website. Oh, here is a good one, I need to blog. No time for feeling, I need to blog. Hmm, here is a thought, blog about your DAMN feelings! You know, so you are coming from the heart instead of the head, that stuff you recommend for others, but get a little nervous to do yourself. Little too exposing. Well, isn’t that the power of it? Sigh. This being human, it is so, intense, so draining, so over and over. And it is not like I haven’t been here before (may would say at a different part of the spiral, this is deeper, and so on – but is that just to make me feel better, why the hell am I back in hell?) Ahh, my inner parts are at war. Nothing new. Just like these feelings, age old. Part of being a seeker, right? It is just that I wear them on my sleeve, all messy, for everyone to see. No mystic monk on the mountain top, me.

I make up that I am whining (as oppose to expressing a powerful truth that just is), and god knows that is not acceptable, god forbid I be a victim. Which is why I am being so darn hard on myself in this place (also something I am choosing to not edit out, uncomfortable as that is), because not only do I not want you to feel sorry for me here, I don’t want you to think I actually tolerate my own victim stance, but rather take a firm, hard stand with myself. [Wow, this is quite the Signy Unplugged I’ve got going here.] Further on the “god forbid I be a victim” front, after enough new age propaganda, I think that I should be able to say some affirmations and think better thoughts and then it will all go away. Essentially that this is all my fault. And I better pull up my socks and DO SOMETHING. Anything. Well, here is what I am going to do. I am going to sit with it, and hopefully, I am going to feel it. And I will see what happens next. And I will trust where I am drawn. And I might even try a bit of gentleness along the way.