Learning
We are always learning. If we let ourselves. If we choose it. It’s a lifestyle really. Consciously deciding to look from the perspective of “What’s the lesson?”, “What am I suppose to get out of this?”, “What can I learn here?”. Some days I like living this way. It keeps me curious. It keeps me hopping. And, some days I resent it and it feels more like a justification for me to not get angry, or sad or scared, like a new age high-mindedness that ought to be able to jettison me out of my feelings and my real experiences.
But for today, let’s just take it at face value. I was talking to someone today. She is dear and sweet and considerate. I like her, but I feel as if I need to care take of her and to protect her. I am not sure from what. It is just a feeling, an energy. She seems so soft and vulnerable and unable to defend herself somehow. As a result of this string of thoughts and feelings about her, I don’t feel safe around her. I am careful, and tiptoe when in her presence. But today, yes, today, I eventually got down to it, and I told her some of what I was feeling, told her how frustrated I get around her (I didn’t mention how I care take her and feel unsafe, I will save that for another day, lucky her!), and how annoyed I am. It felt great. And she could take it. She even appreciated it. Imagine!
So what is the lesson here? Because there is always a learning that we can take from a situation, no matter how much we think it must be all about the other person, because we are perfect, right? My lesson: quit holding back. Quit thinking that people don’t want to hear the yucky stuff. Quit thinking that conflict is yucky (funny, because in work situations I am all over that idea, and actively deal with conflicts and unspoken elephants as they arise, but when there are no rules, when it is a personal relationship, when it is personal, well then, things change, yes?). Time to take the gloves off. Which is a great theory, but how does it play out in real life? I am sure, having waved a flag in the god’s faces, I will get a chance to find out.
posted by Signy @ 10:30 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
Just like last weekend, when you said just what I needed to hear - this is just what I needed to read RIGHT NOW.
OK, deep breath and off I go to tell my Significant Other the yucky stuff! (Cringe...)
Good for you! I so admire that you tried something different and felt good about it!
I can be wimpy on that stuff...I never want to rock the boat. I want smooth sailing so I bite my tongue unless it goes so much against my grain that I can't stand it. Then, it sometimes bursts out with such inappropriate force as to be totally foreign, freaking out everyone,including myself!
I have found that I hate the repercussions from this and don't handle negative vibes from others well so I tend to just go around all those situations and avoid them. I try to surround myself with happy positive people with whom I can almost always have positive interactions and I seem to be blessed with many of these...lucky for the wimp in me, eh?
But I know that is the Real Me and I comfortably accept that as a given that will likely never change so I work with it as most people work with their "Givens".
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I love the range. Both just stick with the type of folks that are easy for me to work with. The flow and ease approach and perspective.
And I love that life asks me to stretch. I love that my commmitment to growth is such that I keep trying (and often failing) in the dance of relationships. Sometimes it is clean, sometimes it is messy. Sometimes messy actually means waiting until I have a clearer idea of what I want to say so that I don't blast people out of the water with my pent up, left over anger bits (I know that might not look like messy on the outside, but it has led to some messy in a relationship or two of mine).
I just keep trusting the Goddess to show me what is next, yes?
Yes, that seems to serve you, the REAL YOU, well, so go onward with that!! The stretch is a good one!
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