Saturday, July 01, 2006

What I Can't Be With

So I know that I said that I would write about this new crazy birth control pill in a couple of days, and trust me I am burning to speak my piece about it. And I know that a couple of days has been and gone, and well, I haven’t written. So, to start with, here is my learning about that. It doesn’t work for me to assume that I will be writing on the weekends that I am leading my CTI workshops (I mean if I do, that’s great, but building it into my life is too hard, and hard is not what I am about, especially when what I really need is down time). So, from here on in, even when I am leading a coaching workshop at home, I am going to cut myself some slack and either just write about what is present for me on a given day, or not write at all. There it is, my newest declaration of self-care! Yay!

Now, on to writing about what is present for me today. In this weekend’s workshop we get the participants (and so I can’t help by take a look myself) to explore/investigate/delve into WHAT THEY CAN’T BE WITH. And here is what I noticed about myself. ONE of the things I can’t be with is DOING NOTHING. And it shows up left, right and center. You see I can’t be with boredom, and inactivity, and well, doing nothing. I am so about being busy and getting things done and being on the move that I over commit, have too much on my plate and get overwhelmed. The ironic thing is that because I am so maxed I stop being able to plan things or get it together to take on new things, and eventually my mania grinds to a halt. Then, you guessed it, I get to be with doing nothing, because all my friends, who have become used to me being unavailable have made other plans or gotten busy with other things. But instead of sitting in this doing nothing place and exploring it and deepening my relationship with it, well, not deepening, actually just developing any kind of relationship with it, I ramp it up again and get… you guessed it… busy.

Actually, this is how I dealt with cancer too, I got busy, really busy, with the doing of it, and the trying to fix things and change my situation. New diet, see doctors, exercise, read books on it. It didn’t help much. Didn’t change what was. Just kept me from feeling with really needed to be felt. Eventually, after all the cancer treatment was done and gone, but I was still stuck in the terror and the panic and the thinking, well, from that place I finally started REALLY being with what was there, and sitting in what first felt like boredom, but turned out to be the most healing 2 or 3 months of my life.

Here is the other thing I noticed, this aversion to DOING NOTHING can serve me (and others). I so can’t sit around and do nothing, not when there are mountains to be moved, and things to be said and perspectives to be changed. Now that doesn’t mean I necessarily work fast on those things, but I drive myself, night and day, can’t rest, am open to criticism and berate myself for not doing more (because while I am doing what I can do it feels to be me like I am not doing enough and therefore am doing nothing, even when, frankly, that is not the case). It is an interesting other angle to look from, even though the piece is the same: my desire to avoid this doing nothing, well, it runs me, and I need to get ok with doing nothing, in order that I can be at conscious choice about it instead of on auto pilot. So we shall see what awareness creates around this. Awareness and acceptance.


At 1:22 PM PDT, Blogger Mother of Invention said...

Man, I have no problem with doing nothing! I can do that with the best of them...but it probably is just seemingly nothing because one has to be doing something, even if it's just relaxing watching tv, e-mailing, talking to friends, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, organizing your stuff, listening to music, exercising....none of these activities qualifies as moving mountains, but it's not Nothing. This nothing takes up quite a bit of my life actually. And after that, I need to rest and spend some time connecting to my husband....all added up, there sometimes isn't much time or energy for a lot more. I used to feel guilty about that, but then realized that the majority of people do just about the same with a lot more health than I have.

All relative I suppose!

Go easier on's not a race to the end of life.

At 10:25 PM PDT, Blogger Signy said...

Ahh, having tasted that "end of life" thing already, it does feel like a bit of a race for me, against time mostly. And it is a good reminder!!!

Do you know of the Enneagram? I am a One in this personality/temperment sorter. Ones are all about action, and changing the world. It is who I am, and hard for me to sidestep it, much as I have tried. Seems easiest,and maybe best, to let it have its way with me, and enjoy all there is in it. It is not an gentle way of life, but there is some comfort knowing it is/was shared by the likes of Ralph Nader, Noam Chomsky, Joan of Arc, and Gandhi.

Wisdom of the Enneagram by Riso and Hudson is the text I recommend it, if you want to discover and explore your own path.

At 5:05 PM PDT, Blogger Mother of Invention said...

Well, you want to run and beat the odds, of course. So do I, but not having the juice anymore to do wonderful things every single day is not to be scorned or lamented etc. For me, it means just living simply..perhaps not even going back to teaching in the fall, which will be a huge, monumental decision as I have loved it for 26 years, but if I can't so be it.

I've been on the edge of death several times and in fact, at age 13, was over to the other side briefly while in a diabetic coma for several days. Then kidneys shut down and that was pretty well it. I could never have children which I so wanted and had my tubes done at 29.

I recently had a heart attack at age 52 and have been working so hard in rehab, exercising etc. but I get really tired..I already have had Fibromyalgia/Chronic Fat. for 16 years so this compounds the problem. I've also had some weird liver disease for a year that no one can figure out even with cat scans tc. I've had 2 cataract surgeries and tons of laser on my eyes trying to save my sight since age 29, neuropathy in both hands and feet so I can't feel much at all and have profound muscle deterioration, and a Charcots Joint in my foot which precludes me from doing much walking.

So, although I haven't traveled your road at all, I've had a tough go of it all along and the outlook some days is not the best. But I need to keep focused on what I can do and not feel guilty about what I can no longer do.

It is not really a race for me as I can see it might be for you. You're are doing well at yor own race...I hope you win!


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